Parent-Child Bonding
I've been thinking about this issue lately and I asked my husband Andrew, "What do you think constitute a parent-child bonding?" His reply came in 3 parts: (i) Being able to talk and spend time (doing activities), (ii) Physical attachment (eg hugging or having child snuggle up to dad/mum) and (iii) Unconditional love. And he cites (iii) as the most important ingredient.
As I reflect upon it, I try to see the difference between myself as a step-parent and a parent. (i) is easily achieveable given time and effort...however, (ii) and (iii) are a little tricky. In my case where I inherit the kids when they were around 10 years old or so, physical closeness doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it's a conscious effort (I feel) to put my arms around my step-child and it probably works both ways where the child doesn't run to me spontaneously for a hug... and I know I need not feel guilty...it's just the way things turn out.
As for (iii), while I readily accept my step-kids as my own children and rise up to the occasion of being an instant parent after marriage, the blatant truth is that it's not unconditional love that I feel for them but greater than that is the sense of responsibility I have in me to want to do what's best for them. This includes taking care of their daily physical needs and simply just 'doing things' for them. And I guess sometimes unconsciously, the kids feel as tho' they need to do 'some things' to be 'accepted' by me...as if my love for them comes tagged with terms & conditions! Unconditional love, as defined by my beloved Andrew, means that despite being good or bad, the child KNOWS he/she is accepted by the parent and vice versa. Love is indeed a mystifying language...
As I reflect upon it, I try to see the difference between myself as a step-parent and a parent. (i) is easily achieveable given time and effort...however, (ii) and (iii) are a little tricky. In my case where I inherit the kids when they were around 10 years old or so, physical closeness doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it's a conscious effort (I feel) to put my arms around my step-child and it probably works both ways where the child doesn't run to me spontaneously for a hug... and I know I need not feel guilty...it's just the way things turn out.
As for (iii), while I readily accept my step-kids as my own children and rise up to the occasion of being an instant parent after marriage, the blatant truth is that it's not unconditional love that I feel for them but greater than that is the sense of responsibility I have in me to want to do what's best for them. This includes taking care of their daily physical needs and simply just 'doing things' for them. And I guess sometimes unconsciously, the kids feel as tho' they need to do 'some things' to be 'accepted' by me...as if my love for them comes tagged with terms & conditions! Unconditional love, as defined by my beloved Andrew, means that despite being good or bad, the child KNOWS he/she is accepted by the parent and vice versa. Love is indeed a mystifying language...
posted by PM | 7:50 AM
1 Comments:
Have you learned to love your step children? Was marrying someone that was already a parent worth it to you? Is your love for your spouse great enough to overcome any awkwardness that you might feel for your step children? I apologize for so many questions... I have two children of my own. I was 17 years old and abandoned by my son's father and then when I was 25 I went through the whole experience again with my daughter's father. I learned at a very young age that men just aren't reliable or committed. Now I have a great man in my life and we are married. He doesn't have kids of his own and doesn't want natural children of his own but has been very excepting of mine. He is absolutely wonderful. My problem is that I can't help but feel insecure in myself because I am a single mom. I always think if my kids' dad's didn't want me and want to be fathers to their own offspring why would someone that isn't even blood related want to be there??? how can I get over this lack of self confidence?? Do you know of any support groups for single mothers that specifically deal with this issue?
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