Being a parent & step-parent
Yep, I'm both a parent and step-parent. I had my baby about a year ago and he just turned 1 recently. But he was an 'accident'... I was actually quite set to take care of my step-children only and never felt the need to have my own baby. God really works in strange ways but because He is a good God...all things happen with a purpose.
I used to joke to friends about how I was given a 10-year discount on child-rearing when I got married and became an instant 'parent' at the time Samantha was around 10 years old. However, when the going gets tough, there are many a time when I wondered and asked, where is the joy of parenthood?
God certainly has a way of answering prayers...when Samuel came to live with us permanently in April 04, I discovered I was pregnant that same month. Boy, I was in tears initially and it took me 3 days of crying to eventally come to terms with my pregnancy and decide to proceed with it. I'm well-aware of the challenging road ahead but have learnt to count my blessings with each passing day.
Indeed, it hasn't been easy and it will not be...after all, "life is difficult". And if you've read The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, you'll also come to understand that it is not about me...
I used to joke to friends about how I was given a 10-year discount on child-rearing when I got married and became an instant 'parent' at the time Samantha was around 10 years old. However, when the going gets tough, there are many a time when I wondered and asked, where is the joy of parenthood?
God certainly has a way of answering prayers...when Samuel came to live with us permanently in April 04, I discovered I was pregnant that same month. Boy, I was in tears initially and it took me 3 days of crying to eventally come to terms with my pregnancy and decide to proceed with it. I'm well-aware of the challenging road ahead but have learnt to count my blessings with each passing day.
Indeed, it hasn't been easy and it will not be...after all, "life is difficult". And if you've read The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, you'll also come to understand that it is not about me...
posted by PM | 7:44 AM
7 Comments:
I found your blog today and immediately found such comfort and support. I have been a step-parent for 11 years and it has been challenging, frustrating, rewarding and generally the HARDEST hat I've ever worn. I met my husband when my step-son was 2 1/2. He's 15 now. I also have 3 children with my husband. I've really struggled with my step-parenting because the boy's mother has been a very difficult and EVIL person. No matter how we've tried to show Christian love to her, we are met with hatred and she eternally tries to turn her son against us. She recently won her battle when he chose to move out of our house and move into hers. A very bad choice, but one we could not prevent because of his age. Accusations flew, hurtful words were spoken by the boy and damage was done. Now we are left to deal with the heartache of our small children, the rejection we feel and the guilt that things could have been different. I would love to share stories and support with you.
Dear Queen Beth,
Thanks for your feedback...it's nice to know that someone is comforted by my blog. Yes, the journey of a step-parent is not an easy one...here's something from one of my favourite posters: God never promise you that life would be smooth sailing. He only promises safe landings. So take heart with the choice your step-son has made and commit the issues to God. Release the child into His hands...you've done your best, just leave God to do the rest. Fortunately the law in Singapore only allows the child to make his own decision when he's 18... but I'm threading on cautious grounds that I may face your situation one day...more so with my step-daughter than my step-son, though for now, I can safely say they prefer this home anytime to their mum's. Let us remain faithful in prayer and constantly help to remind & encourage each other... ;-)
Thank you for that reminder. I am tearing up as I remember that my husband and I dedicated his son as well as ours to the Lord in 1996. I sometimes forget that God is really watching over him and I need to not stress out so much. Thank you for your reminder! It means so much to me!
i am in tears because i became a step parent to a 10 year old girl last year around this same time and i am also a bio parent to a 10 year old boy. Man in the begining things seemed to go very well and she seemed to click with me she and my son tried to hook us up together, they wanted to see us happy. i was working at the school they both attended at the time and i was in her life for 4 years, they were in the same class. I really didn't life would move us together so fast. i was trying to leave my hometown. lol
Now we are living together in his mothers house (financial situations and he wanted me to be near him)and we are looking at condos and i was very much against it but wanting too and having too are two different things. So i moved in and things went down hill from there i was up against her grandma who raised her the majority of her life (since she was two she says) when my love was working alot and running his business at the time. It was just the three of them and now here i come. I am also against the bio mother even though she was very repsectful to me when she met me, doesn't mean things aren't said and no telling what the child tells her now. Plus her bio mother has four other children and sometimes they are jealous of the way she dresses and the things that we buy for her, the way she talks etc etc and thats alot to deal with trying to be accepted by ur other halfs that don't have their father in their life.
I really felt like i was interfering and i would sit down with my love and talk to him about my feelings,i felt like i rushed in too soon with trying to be a mother to her and somehow her grdma felt threatened also and would make it a purpose (in front of the child) to speak for her and brain wash this child into feeling like i am going to walk away and she will be alone again cause the child has experienced so much loss in her life. First of all she is 10 not to say she doesn't know what pain feels like but alot that gibberish was from her grdmas pain and the real painful experiences she has lost in her life and she was projecting that on the child. That really hurt i felt like my world was tumbling down. Like someone just hit me in the face in fornt of the world.
I had to back off and give the majority of the responsibiliity back to her grdma and i told her dad to step it up. Now the grdma wants some space and she wants me to patch her mess for her. NOPE!!!Me and my love have talked and talked for hours about everything that has went up until now and i know things will progress if not just let us (my stepdaghtr) be respectful to eachother. i know she is confused and angry and scared and a whole lot of feelings are going on and she is trying to define who and what she wants to be. i have been in that situation many times before. I have this ball of anxioty in my chest at times when i walk in this house i just have to lie down and sleep, cause even though the grdma doesn't come to me with things much anymore i don't know whats been dicussed with the child about me. i have sleepness nights and i'm trying and working on things for myself to prepare for what happens next but i hope some peace. i was talking to my girlfriend about having a baby with my love and how i feel thats why some couples do it because no matter how long u have been with ur mate there is always that feeling of something missing theres that gap. no matter how much u hug and kiss ur step children or bio children there is still an incompletion to this situation and a baby makes up for that space. i don't want anymore but he does and i know the topic is going to come up again and again i think he feels that feeling of incompleteness with us, and he loves me and wants to connect with me more and he feels having that child will bring that balance. i'm not gon lie i am scared and my career is moving on great and i don't want to to be the one to take care of another child, diapers and bottles, especially as a single parent again. But latly i have been really thinking about my life and that feelin swept over me and i pushed it aside and ignored it as best as i could and i had a few dreams about the baby too. well i'm off my stand lol i really enjoyed reading ur blog. peace love and light
i am in tears because i became a step parent to a 10 year old girl last year around this same time and i am also a bio parent to a 10 year old boy. Man in the begining things seemed to go very well and she seemed to click with me she and my son tried to hook us up together, they wanted to see us happy. i was working at the school they both attended at the time and i was in her life for 4 years, they were in the same class. I really didn't life would move us together so fast. i was trying to leave my hometown. lol
Now we are living together in his mothers house (financial situations and he wanted me to be near him)and we are looking at condos and i was very much against it but wanting too and having too are two different things. So i moved in and things went down hill from there i was up against her grandma who raised her the majority of her life (since she was two she says) when my love was working alot and running his business at the time. It was just the three of them and now here i come. I am also against the bio mother even though she was very repsectful to me when she met me, doesn't mean things aren't said and no telling what the child tells her now. Plus her bio mother has four other children and sometimes they are jealous of the way she dresses and the things that we buy for her, the way she talks etc etc and thats alot to deal with trying to be accepted by ur other halfs that don't have their father in their life.
I really felt like i was interfering and i would sit down with my love and talk to him about my feelings,i felt like i rushed in too soon with trying to be a mother to her and somehow her grdma felt threatened also and would make it a purpose (in front of the child) to speak for her and brain wash this child into feeling like i am going to walk away and she will be alone again cause the child has experienced so much loss in her life. First of all she is 10 not to say she doesn't know what pain feels like but alot that gibberish was from her grdmas pain and the real painful experiences she has lost in her life and she was projecting that on the child. That really hurt i felt like my world was tumbling down. Like someone just hit me in the face in fornt of the world.
I had to back off and give the majority of the responsibiliity back to her grdma and i told her dad to step it up. Now the grdma wants some space and she wants me to patch her mess for her. NOPE!!!Me and my love have talked and talked for hours about everything that has went up until now and i know things will progress if not just let us (my stepdaghtr) be respectful to eachother. i know she is confused and angry and scared and a whole lot of feelings are going on and she is trying to define who and what she wants to be. i have been in that situation many times before. I have this ball of anxioty in my chest at times when i walk in this house i just have to lie down and sleep, cause even though the grdma doesn't come to me with things much anymore i don't know whats been dicussed with the child about me. i have sleepness nights and i'm trying and working on things for myself to prepare for what happens next but i hope some peace. i was talking to my girlfriend about having a baby with my love and how i feel thats why some couples do it because no matter how long u have been with ur mate there is always that feeling of something missing theres that gap. no matter how much u hug and kiss ur step children or bio children there is still an incompletion to this situation and a baby makes up for that space. i don't want anymore but he does and i know the topic is going to come up again and again i think he feels that feeling of incompleteness with us, and he loves me and wants to connect with me more and he feels having that child will bring that balance. i'm not gon lie i am scared and my career is moving on great and i don't want to to be the one to take care of another child, diapers and bottles, especially as a single parent again. But latly i have been really thinking about my life and that feelin swept over me and i pushed it aside and ignored it as best as i could and i had a few dreams about the baby too. well i'm off my stand lol i really enjoyed reading ur blog. peace love and light
Dear Divine Lady,
I am in a simular place as you - emotionally and with the children as well. I would love to talk with you as I have search for someone to understand and that I understand in turn. I/We rushed things in our relationship, and with a bio mum that is 'nice' but poision to my stepson I'm stress and worried too. I moved 2800Km from my family for mylove and we have to travel that every chance we get to see my stepson, but it is very stressed still. I don't think of him as my stepson for 1 he is mine too(I've watched him grow for years, I've loved him and thought of him everyday), evil biomum for 2, money (cost me over $5000 Aust for each visit for 3, and all the (forgive me can't think of a nice way to put it) BULL the bio feeds my boy and other relitives there too in such a sly way that its "in his interest to not see his father!" RUBBISH! Finally Dad has woken up to her and is about to seek legal advice purly for visitation to start with... I'm stuck, and hurt and would love someone to talk to with Christmas coming - its just a major fight on the horizon with the possibility of authorities needed. contact me through this site if you like or bethishere@live.com
Sorry bethishere@live.com.au
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