Parent-Child Bonding

I've been thinking about this issue lately and I asked my husband Andrew, "What do you think constitute a parent-child bonding?" His reply came in 3 parts: (i) Being able to talk and spend time (doing activities), (ii) Physical attachment (eg hugging or having child snuggle up to dad/mum) and (iii) Unconditional love. And he cites (iii) as the most important ingredient.
As I reflect upon it, I try to see the difference between myself as a step-parent and a parent. (i) is easily achieveable given time and effort...however, (ii) and (iii) are a little tricky. In my case where I inherit the kids when they were around 10 years old or so, physical closeness doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it's a conscious effort (I feel) to put my arms around my step-child and it probably works both ways where the child doesn't run to me spontaneously for a hug... and I know I need not feel guilty...it's just the way things turn out.
As for (iii), while I readily accept my step-kids as my own children and rise up to the occasion of being an instant parent after marriage, the blatant truth is that it's not unconditional love that I feel for them but greater than that is the sense of responsibility I have in me to want to do what's best for them. This includes taking care of their daily physical needs and simply just 'doing things' for them. And I guess sometimes unconsciously, the kids feel as tho' they need to do 'some things' to be 'accepted' by me...as if my love for them comes tagged with terms & conditions! Unconditional love, as defined by my beloved Andrew, means that despite being good or bad, the child KNOWS he/she is accepted by the parent and vice versa. Love is indeed a mystifying language...

Why religion is important to me...

Becoming a step-parent then parent has taught me many things.
Someone once told me that the 2 most difficult phases of one's life are (1) growing up as a teenager and (2) parenting a teenager. I've gone thru (1) with a strict dad and am going thru (2) now with a teenager who thinks I'm too strict?? Irony??? Not really... Like the Chinese joke says, "The policemen in the past used to wear shorts".
Despite a mere 19 years age gap, which is really short compared to most biological parents, there are things Samantha does that I can't comprehend. Among other things, I can't accept her 'aggressiveness' towards boys...how she calls them instead of the other way round, initiates outings with them, goes to meet the boys first before going out together (as tho' picking them up), etc... To me, girls should be more reserved to maintain our integrity and command respect. Her 'hard-up' ways (almost to the extent of acting cheap) really irk me to the bones...
Therefore, my religion is really important to me. As a Christian, I believe that God is in charge of our lives. I take heart that while I may not be able to control/know everything that my child does, God is able to do so and that even when things happen, He allows it cuz He has a special purpose for it. As His faithful servant and follower, I can only count on prayers that God will do His Will according to what's best for us...

Angels in our lives

Whatever your religion, ever wonder if there are angels around you when you're going through life trials and tribulations?
I discovered my 'guardian angels' recently. And I only realised who they were amidst a small family dispute. Was going thru another one of those arguments with Samantha... got really mad with her and walked back to my room to take my shower. As usual, she's in that mode of "You're not my mother! You've no right to interfere with what I do" business... My sister happened to be at my place and spoke to her. Soon after that, Samantha seemed to have cooled off and came by to apologise.
Just as it hit me that my sister was an angel to me then, my mum is yet another constant angel by my side. Since I had my own baby, she's been staying with me to help look after Steward. I can't imagine what I'll do with her...times when I need to tend to the older kids, eg bring Samantha/Samuel for their counselling sessions, attend Samantha's school praying support group, pick up Samantha/Samuel or bring either of them to see the doc, etc. Of course, my mum has also been nice to the 2 Sams, sometimes cooking their favourite dishes or teaching them some crafts.
Yes, sometimes we're so consumed with life challenges that we don't pause to step out of the circle to see/appreciate some of the good stuff... Thank you God, for sending me an angel in my times of need...

Blessings

I was reading an article recently and was reminded of the phrase that "Children are a gift from God". Indeed, God didn't say "your children". He said "children". So regardless of biological or step-children, they are all blessings from God. The stepmum who wrote the article went on to say how that was the turning point for her, where she realised that even when her step-daughter wasn't acting or talking like a blessing to her, she needed to figure out what God meant by that and her attitude towards her step-child began to change. After surviving nine years being a stepmum, there was light at the end of the tunnel for her. Together with her step-daughter, they've written a new book, "You're NOT my Mom" to offer hope to others.

From another perspective, a mother from my mothers' support group shared something interesting upon hearing my stepfamily story. "You should wake up every morning and tell yourself that you're a blessing to your children," she encouraged me...that my step-children especially, are fortunate to have me in their lives. Wow! It's amazing how a change of mindset can get one going... Such is the power of positive thinking. Suddenly, I'm driven to be that blessing!

Support Groups

I've finally found a step-parent support group. Though it is small with around 3-5 families, I've gained tremendous insights. The dynamics of a step-family are really varied... the step-parent may be the father, mother or even both. Even in the category of stepmothers, the family background is just as diverse. One stepmother is only 6 months into her marriage with 2 stepdaughters whose biological mum had passed away. Where blended families are concerned, the profile is equally interesting. One mum with her daughter married another man with 5 sons and together, they are parents and step-parents to 6 kids living under the same roof! Talk about having a challenging job...
I've also joined a mothers' praying support group in my daughter's school... although I've only been to 2 meetings so far, I must say the mothers have been really nice and sincere. However, I cannot help but feel a little out of place as I seem to be the only one with the most problems... struggling with my girl having 'nothing to do at home after school', not returning home after school but hanging out at undesirable spots eg shopping malls, game arcades, basketball courts, etc.
Sigh! Looks like I need to join more support groups...another one for parents with teenagers (since my son has just started secondary school) and one more for parents with toddlers (since my baby is 13 months+)... But I really hope and want to meet more step-parents, especially step-mothers with step-daughters who have survived that teenage phase...

New Year, New Hope

A new year certainly brings new hope...thank God for another new year that we can start things afresh and do what we do better. I'm always mindful not to take for granted another new day of my life, cuz I never know when there'll be no tomorrow for me. So carpe diem, seize the day!

For a start, I'm excited about the new year...for one, I found a long-lost pal through this blog! Looking forward to meeting him soon...

Here's my hope list for 2006:
1) Family - Continued love, peace and harmony in the home...Good health for one & all
For Andrew - that I'll watch his health and make sure he lose weight!
For Samantha - that she may learn the concept of delayed gratification and self-discipline
For Samuel - that he may mature and cope well with his new secondary school life
For Steward - that he'll continue to grow healthily and remain a happy, cheerful boy
For mum - that good health and happiness bestow her
For myself - better adjustment as a SAHM-cum-freelance worker, exercise more (as my recent health report requested)

2) Food for my mind - that I can write better/faster, have more spaced-out assignments; that I have more time to read the books that are piling by my bedside (God, please make Steward sleep earlier and faster at night so that I have more free time); do something for stepfamilies in Singapore (not sure how/what but pray for the right opportunities)

3) Friends - that we may spend more regular time together to catch up. I believe it's all about 'making time'...we're all busy, we have no time, we only make time for things that we deem important enough

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to moving house this year...so all interior designs/decor ideas are most welcome!

The Price of Motherhood

Isn't it strange that we only learn to appreciate our mothers more when we become mothers ourselves?
From pregnancy to delivery to caring for baby (eg breastfeeding), I've come to understand why a mother's love is the greatest... Especially during the first few months with a newborn, even when you've absolute freedom (ie support to look after baby) to go out, you'll constantly be thinking about his next feed, whether he poos, sleeps, crys or falls ill...somehow your biological clock works in sync with baby such that your eyes will open at the slightest cry. No matter how helpful/supportive your hubby may be, it's just not the same where he can sort of 'divorce' himself from baby after tending to him and do something else. It's true like they say, life will never be the same again!
Children are indeed a lifelong responsibility... Realising this since I was young (my dad used to tell me not to have children when I grow up and get married... He said that without my 2 sisters and I, he would not have to work so hard and could travel around the world with my mum), I was never keen to have children. So how did I end up with 3?
Someone once said that when you're a parent, you'll experience personal growth and development. You become braver as you learn to conquer your own fears (eg fear of insects) to protect your children. As for me, I've certainly learnt to be more patient and understanding...